Navigating the unexpected in postpartum

I have a secret... an embarrassing secret that I'm learning shouldn't be scary or embarrassing to talk about. So here goes...

I HATED my postpartum journey... there it is.

When I was pregnant, I was so excited for the postpartum period. I imagined it would be filled with baby snuggles and people admiring the beautiful baby I created. I thought I would feel empowered and ready to take on this new journey. But jokes on me, I WASN'T!

Everyone prepared me for the sleep deprivation (although no one can truly prepare you for that), but no one told me about postpartum anxiety or the ANGER. I had terrible postpartum anxiety, to the point that I couldn't even let my older child interact with our new baby for too long because I was so worried she would get sick. It was my job to protect her, so that meant NO ONE could take care of her but me. I struggled to even let my wife take care of her for the first few weeks, and it was EMBARRASSING! I felt embarrassed because everyone told me I should be letting other people watch her, let the kids hold her—it would be cute. "Let me hold her, I washed my hands..." and I COULDN'T.

I'll tell you something even worse... The first time my older daughter met our youngest, I sat in a dark room and SOBBED because I couldn't watch it happen without crying. I was so SCARED. I sat in the room and cried until my wife brought her back, and we stayed in the room for probably the first 3 months of Callie's life. If we went somewhere, I wore Callie on my chest and didn't really let anyone interact with her, including my wife and my mother. It was HARD! I felt alone and I felt wrong...

It took me a while to acknowledge that what I was experiencing was postpartum anxiety and that I wasn't crazy—it was NORMAL, and I was doing the BEST I could with what I had at the moment. I wish I could go back in time and give myself a hug and be my own postpartum doula. I'm sharing these deep, dark secrets because I was prepared for all the baby things, but I wasn't prepared for how my body would respond to all the hormones. I had a WONDERFUL and SUPPORTIVE partner who did everything right. She picked up my slack, and our oldest never knew anything was out of the ordinary, BUT I could have been more prepared.

I could have had a doula.

A postpartum doula could have made a world of difference in my journey. They help new moms and families by maintaining the house, establishing routines, and providing sibling support. A postpartum doula offers emotional and practical support, helping to ease the transition into parenthood. They can assist with newborn care, meal preparation, light housekeeping, and even provide guidance on breastfeeding and self-care. Having a postpartum doula means having someone to lean on, someone who understands and can help you navigate the challenges of the postpartum period. They can also support older siblings, helping them adjust to the new family dynamic and ensuring they feel included and loved.

If I had a postpartum doula, I might have felt less overwhelmed and more confident in my ability to care for my baby and myself. I could have had additional support I needed to manage my anxiety and enjoy those precious early moments with my family.

If you need support or you feel like you might need extra support, reach out to a doula in your area. Even if it's not me, reach out for help... It doesn't have to be scary, embarrassing or overwhelming. I believe in you and your ability to be an amazing parent. You were MADE to be this baby's parent, let's make sure you have the support you need.